Monday, March 15, 2010

Umbrellas

I hate umbrellas. You're probably thinking, "How can anyone hate such a useful accessory?" Well here is a list of all the reasons why I hate umbrellas.
  1. They are not useful. You don't actually stay dry when using an umbrella. Unless there is only a very slight drizzle, your pants will be soaked after more than a few minutes outside with an umbrella. I don't even think this umbrella would keep you dry enough. You would still have to wear a rain coat anyway. So why not just ditch the umbrella and wear your rain coat. This umbrella looks fairly effective, but you'd look ridiculous and it would be a pain in the neck to carry around.
  2. Once you arrive at your destination you have to carry around a dripping stick with fabric on it. This is especially irritating on the T during rush hour because then you are likely to drip on someone else's pants. Some restaurants and other places have little umbrella stands but then someone with a crappier umbrella than you is likely to steal it.
  3. Short women always carry them and hit you in the face. I work in Chinatown and that place is chock full of short umbrella-carrying women. And because umbrellas aren't actually good at keeping you dry, you have to carry them almost sitting on top of your head, which obstructs your vision, leading to you walking into other short women like myself. I always get nervous I'll loose a eye.
  4. They totally suck in the wind, and when it's raining that is most of the time. When it is windy, not only will your umbrella not keep you dry, but it will also become inverted and become less than useful. Just today on my way to school I saw a hotel bellman struggling with an inverted umbrella and just as he was trying to right it again his little bellman hat blew off and started charging down the sidewalk. Had he not been struggling with the crappy umbrella, he would have still had on his hat and not had to run down the street after it.
  5. Many people lack proper umbrella etiquette, especially people with giant golf umbrellas. Two people will be walking down the street in opposite directions, both with umbrellas, and the oversized-umbrella person will edge the smaller umbrella carrier off the sidewalk and into a giant puddle. I really and truly saw this happen once and the girl with the enormous umbrella even gave smaller-umbrella lady a dirty look, as if it was her fault the two umbrellas brushed against each other on the crowded sidewalk. I was like, "Seriously?!?!" This whole thing could have been avoided if they were just wearing decent rain coats with hoods. My hood has never knocked anyone off the sidewalk.
So in conclusion, the next time it rains, throw away your umbrella, which is probably broken anyway from being flipped inside-out by the wind a million times, and get yourself to REI for something that will actually keep you dry: a rain jacket.

I should clarify though, as I do not hate all umbrellas, just rain umbrellas. I happen to think beach umbrellas are quite nice. They provide a colorful way to get some protection from the sun and also a great way to identify your spot to any friends that you might be meeting there.

2 comments:

  1. I will have to disagree. I used an umbrella tonight and it kept me dry while I was waiting at the bus stop. I used proper umbrella etiquette as well throughout the evening. My umbrella comes with an umbrella carrying sleeve that kept me dry while it was in my back pocket.

    -Umbrella lover

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  2. Dear Umbrella Lover,
    If you had a decent rain jacket with a hood you would have had no need for said umbrella. I would have been annoyed if I had been standing next to you. Thankfully I was not.
    -Hater of Everything

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